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Jan. 18th, 2013

Mae

Screenshot_4


YOU'VE MADE ME BEAUTIFUL BY BREAKING MY HEART...



Nov. 14th, 2012

how you make me feel

i feel like this girl in white satin see-through dress
hair billowing as i come towards you
closer with my teasing smile
as i run my fingers on my silky hair
and you stare back lying on the bed

the breeze dances through the white curtains on the window
brushing my face frolicking on my hair
i come closer swaying
smiling
blushing
and slowly crawled on your your bed towards you
meeting your stares, biting my lower lip
now our face inches apart
i can feel the warmth of your breath
and the current running between us
smelling your scent
as u brush your lips on mine
and i'm lost in the confines of your arms
as we let go of our passion and desire
in the warmth of your embrace...

Oct. 11th, 2012

The One I loved First

I've been searching for you for 3 years, but somehow you were nowhere; not even a glimpse of your presence, not even a sight of your inner glow. You were gone and I became this awkward person who could not even hold stares and conversations with strangers and acquaintances. I became this obscured individual who lurked in the shadows of people I mingled with day by day. I became the person I never wanted to be. I became invisible in spite of my ginormous build.

I yearned for your playful wits, your warm approach, your crazy but cute ways to sweep off someone's feet, your dexterous hands and complex words that always have people take a second look. I yearned for the ease and grace you exuded naturally. I yearned for your patience and sensitivity when confronted with difficult situations. I yearned for you day and night hoping, wishing, and praying you'd come back and bring me to "the me", I once delighted and loved. I couldn't find you anywhere in me and it pained me to think that the one I once loved had left me when i needed it most. You just disappeared and i wondered what would it take to find you again.
Only then i knew that it would take me a broken heart to find you there inside enveloped with insecurities and bitterness with life. You had been there inside all along waiting to come out. Freedom and pain have brought you back to my life again. It's bittersweet yeah because in losing a love, you emerged from the cracks of my broken heart.

I found you in the rubble of my pain. You were there twisted and turned yet unscathed. All along I thought I lost you, but I was wrong. You never left, only waited for me to pick up where I last left off. Now I'm here.

Freedom has brought me back to you, my old self, the one I loved first.

tt

Oct. 10th, 2012

Mae

bittersweet

Mae

Pie

To the first and last person who flashes in my mind when I wake up and sleep:
It’s been some time now since the transition of our lives began…separately. You have found the happiness you deserve and I, I have found the self that I searched within me for years. It’s a good ending after all except that I lost the one who adored me, held me when the world was unkind to me, cared for me like a fragile China about to drop…above all, I lost the one who loved me in ways far more intricate than my mind could ever grasp.
For years, I had overlooked the details that mattered the most simply because I looked at love (us) as a big picture of portrait from afar – normal, nothing’s wrong, almost perfect only to find out that each day the colors were fading, specs of paint are blown in the wind and that it took a strike in my heart to see that it’s no longer the picture I once painted in my mind.
I never saw that you were slowly slipping away.
I wish I could go back in time and undo all the bad things I did and said. I wish I could repaint back all the details that have been lost to oblivion. I wish I listened more and gave more of me in understanding you and your needs. I wish I learned how to cook your scrambled egg, I wish I learned how to make your coffee, I wish I noticed you didn’t like ketchup on your chicken. I wish I wish I wish… I wish I were more passionate then than I am now of you…
There are so many things I want to do now, but it’s too late. There’s no more you in my life. There’s no more you who would hold me to sleep, who would wipe away my tears when I have a bad day, who would kiss me before I go to school, who would call me to ask if I had lunch already, who would ask me how my day was, who would lay next to me as I play temple run or fruit ninja on my tab, who would stay up late playing scrabble with me till we get even, who would hold me in bed till I fall asleep, who would be next to me when I wake up, who would hand me towel when I forget one when I take a bath, who would be there when nobody was…

I miss a lot of things about you…how you smell in the morning, how you eat your breakfast with egg, how you sit with your feet up on the chair when you eat, how you separate veggies and give to me when you eat “khana moo krup”, how you walk and look at yourself in the mirror, how you blow your hair after you take a bath, how you put lotion on your skin, how you wear your skinny jeans, how you play with cc, even the sound of your voice calling out her name. I miss how you sleep on my lap in the bus, I miss how you put your arms around me when we strolled around at MBK or Siam Paragon. Even the anime you watch on your laptop I miss. I miss everything about you…...i still do every day. In the tranquility of the night, i thought i heard you calling out my name...sometimes i forget you're no longer next to me when i sleep...i miss your smell, your warmth...your caresses, i miss how you brush your lips to mine, i miss the shivers it brings to my nerves...

When i hear footsteps outside my door, my heart jumps wishing it'd be you...

You had been a part of me. Every fiber of my being has you in it. I once told you I could not imagine my life without you. Well now I know this is how it would be like…
Someday, somewhere, somehow I would look at you again without any pain in my heart. Three years was a roller coaster ride for both of us…but in them, I have fond memories I hold dear to my heart and up to now they never fail to make me smile and weep at the same time. It's crazy because i know our story has long ended, but deep in my heart it's still alive like an ember in the snow...

You may not have felt the care I had for you but in my own way, I cared about you so much. Maybe I just didn’t know how to show it in ways that would melt your heart and tickle your soul.

Love is not enough for you to stay, but it’s also the very reason you went away.

Oct. 3rd, 2011

Our Time

All the twisting and turning

walking to and fro

can't help myself thinking have i ever

a flaw

to make you disappear on me

like a rainbow that lingered for a while

now gone and unseen not even by a mile.



it felt so right, you and i

having this connection, no BUTs, no WHYs

just savoring every blissful moment

turning it into a memory, reminiscent



Now it feels so wrong, you and i

having this painful silence, all the BUTs, all the WHYs

in my head

recalling every reminiscent memory

i feel so low. i feel so sorry



Asking me again and again

WHY...of all the things in my head,

I've lost the one thing that truly matter to me,

OUR TIME...

Sep. 5th, 2011

a note to my angel

It has been a dragging week for me. I have had shares of ups and downs. Sometimes I plummet to the very bottom of frustration that I think of giving up but then again, when i stop thinking for a while and just clear my head, i realize that i have no right to complain or sulk in one corner and blame the world for the series of unfortunate circumstances that i encounter because I have friends and people who are rooting for my capabilities and power to make a difference if only i see and believe in myself the way they do.

When i think of them, it always comes down to you. yes, you. You are there for me in one way or another. You make me feel good. I take refuge in your words and your wisdom. I find a certain teak in my head when you cross my thoughts. I don't know how to put it in words but you loosen me up when i feel so tied up with the expectations i have for myself. Your words are like a pat on my shoulder when i feel so low of myself. I learn a lot from your words, in your kindness, even in your silence. Your words echo in my heart. Your kindness touches the coldest corners of my soul. Your silence is a resounding utter to my verbose complaints to the world.

I am deeply touched by the selflessness you exude effortlessly. I am moved by the abundant love and respect you have of life and the twist and turns that go with it.

If i have a wish tonight, it would be that your soul be filled with scent of blossoming lilac and your heart be afloat with love and happiness you have deserved all these years.

As i always say, I am so thankful I met you and i will never get tired of reminding you of that, and as always,

"I thank God each time i think of you, and when i pray for you, i pray with joy."

Jun. 12th, 2011

home

In a peculiar territory
where disparate culture astounds me inside,
where people and religion estrange me from the crowd,
there is not a day that I don’t yearn for the places I grew up in,
the people I grew up with,
the ways that have embraced the tendrils of my veins.
There is not a day that home escapes my thoughts…
What is home really?
Home can be a place.
Home can be people.
For me, home is a feeling…
That little tweak in your heart that sparks fireworks
Of hopes and dreams
every time it seeps though your mind,
may it be amidst the topsy turvy demands of work
or amidst the dreamy horizon of Phuket before sunrise.
Home is what you feel with the people you love.



Jun. 1st, 2011

(no subject)

it's been quite some time since i feel this...dreamy, euphoric, crazy, happy...in love. you just don't know how you make me feel each day. it's beyond my comprehension but it has been making me feel things i have never felt in a long while. it's been a one-week blast for me.

i've been in constant reverie of how we'll first meet...there are questions hovering in my head...

i wonder how it will feel to see you standing in front of me for the first time...how everything else fades in my sight as you walk towards me...

i wonder how it will fit, your fingers between the spaces of my fingers as we hold hands for the first time...

i wonder how it will heal the bruises of my heart to feel the warmth of your arms as you hold me for the first time...

i wonder how it will tickle my heart to see the threshold of your heart through your eyes as you hold stares at me for the first time...

i wonder how it will feel to hear the sound of your heartbeat as we embrace in silence for the first time...

and finally...

i wonder how it will trigger even the far flung recesses of my senses to savor the gentle caresses of your lips against mine for the first time...

there are beautiful things swamping my thoughts about you...but i don't wanna expect things from you as i don't want you to expect things from me...

it's still a long way ahead...the future is vague but how you've made me feel for days now is enough for me to know that i will face the unknown with you...

let's savor what is NOW...

Feb. 16th, 2011

random thoughts...

I don't want to think about you
because i don't feel good at all
it makes me guilty
it makes me queasy
it makes me scared
that it might go on
and on
long after I'm gone from here...

Dec. 13th, 2010

vanchong

"A lot of times have I attempted to write something about you, but it always ends up unfinished, sometimes, unwritten at all..."

I wrote this last year, and indeed it was unfinished.

I had wondered about it for days, "why?"

It slipped out of my thoughts and eventually vanished into oblivion... until now.

Do you know why I could not finish it? It's because all the while I have written things that are melancholy and complete provocations of tears. All my words have been anchored in pain and yearning that I realized you have utterly made me feel none of those things. In fact, you are the answer to all those yearnings.

Writing about you is like trudging an unknown territory.


I have not been truly happy and content simultaneously until you came...technically, I came, let go of all my inhibitions and be myself with you. Since then, every day has seemed like a whole new journey. Along the way I discover something about you. Doesn't matter whether it's good or not good. The essence of it is that I accept it and find delight in knowing that there's still more to find out as we move forward.

I know it's not a perfect journey. We also have fits of undesirable moments together, but who doesn't? A perfect relationship is like tendril with plastic vines.

Aug. 20th, 2010

it's not arrogance...it's a stimulus to humiliation...

I eat English and grammar for breakfast...it's my gift...i'm a writer by heart...my vocabulary is above ordinary...figure of speech is my forte...i only heed to those who measure up to my level. -Author (the one who wrote this)

Apr. 3rd, 2010

Good Friday in Thailand

I'm not a devoted Catholic
neither have I practiced
the do's and dont's of Holy Week
since I outgrew Flores De Mayo;
but here in a Buddhist country, Thailand,
especially in Tak
where there not a sign of Holy Week is visible,

I simply feel it strongly...














Jan. 15th, 2010

day

cold wind basked the streets
leaving a whiff of melancholy
to fresh blossoms deadened by gray sky,
empty play playground, and chimeless porches...
I missed the sun today...

Jul. 12th, 2009

MaE

Her thoughts can scrape the depths of her feelings and the heights of her imagination...but she still acts like a child...in more ways than one.

Jul. 10th, 2009

gone too soon

In the nauseating monotony of my every day
you appeared again after a while;
just when i almost forgot you ever crossed my narrow road,
you were there standing in the same spot i lost you, bizaarely different but completely the same -
your smile,
your laugh,
your husky voice that almost always lulled me to a strange serenity with auphoric bliss in my heart...

you still had it and it still thrived in me...the feeling you gave me...the wonder...the awe...the urge to be with you...to have all of you at the smoochies of my lips...at the confines of my arms...

you brought back the happiness i lost,
you gave me joy that was slowly becoming familiar to me again..
i was the self i had not been for a long time...
i was falling...
almost in love...
maybe in love...
no!
i was really in love,
but in one starless night with intermittent raindrops, gust of wind on my face..and resounding torture of your confession..

the one i love was gone...

even when you were still there...

Jun. 19th, 2009

Distant Weep

your door is tall, completely shut, perhaps unbreakable...
and as i linger outside gazing at the heights of your concrete walls,
i realize that i am just a drop of paint dying to color your entire world...

i try to listen to the sound of your deafening silence
in the night when i can't sleep
because thoughts of you hover like bees in my head
and as i cross to the threshold of deep slumber
it's your face i see;
almost at my fingertips, i can feel the tears flowing from the corners of your eyes...
i am awake again, tossing and turning wondering
where you are,
how you are...
because i want to be there next to you,
to be the cushion you want to rest your weary mind on...
and perhaps the hand to hold together your broken heart...

but here i am in the far flung corner of this complex world...
standing,
strolling to and fro,
gazing at the sky,
wondering among the stars...

only listening to the echos of your distant weep...




Tags:

Apr. 29th, 2009

april 29

i don't wanna go to bed tonight...because i wanna wait when the clock strikes 12 and the seconds that follow...to embrace April 29, the date that will forever mean something to me...it's not only my brother's birthday, it's also the day that i finally gave my heart to one person in all honesty and sincerity...for the first time, i wasn't wandering like a lost soul in the crimson world...i had a home and i belonged to her...she was mine and i was hers ALONE.



it was a rollercoaster for both of us...she was very conservative...i was untamed...she had been in an 8-year relationship before...i was just playing around...she planned too much...i just lived by the day...she hated horror flicks...i indulged in them...she is a vegan...i practically eat anything edible...she is a hindu...i am a catholic... but at the end of the day, we only had one thing in common...we were in love with each other...and Love made it all easy for both of us...well almost.



we were like kids in love..baby talking, corny...feelings on fire...it was crazy actually...because we didn't know what lay ahead but we didn't care..."we were together that's all that mattered." i told her that. She just smiled staring at me with her dreamy eyes...and i always got lost in her big brown dreamy eyes...she was everything i never dreamed of, but she was my perfect reality...she was so sweet, thoughtful, understanding, patient, mature, and above all she was crazy about me, she always made me feel special in ways that always lit up my face and flooded my heart with feelings i couldn't put into words... i was her princess she always said to me...she was my monkey...we were one until our differences started to take its toll on our relationship...we'd argue about small things, we disagreed about everything, she was fussy, i was indifferent, she hated how i looked at things, i hated how she reminded me of it...she would walk out on me...she would hang up on me...vice versa...pride became our constant companion...until i broke down in tears and she'd be there to comfort me and everything was or seemed okay again...it was a cycle of arguments and making up...until one day, she just gave up on us...i tried but i guess it's all we could ever have...




Tags:

Apr. 24th, 2009

JUST FEEL

maybe it's true,
i get lost in your eyes,
because the moment i gaze upon your face,
i turn into a poet...
i forget reality...
i'm just jumbled with words i'm trying to weave
if only to let you know
all that you are to me
when i have no chance to be there .
to make it real
at least next to you,
when i don't have to think
because everything i want to say
is just summed up in being by your side,
holding you like a fragile crystal in my arms,
filling in the empty spaces between your fingers,
smelling your hair,
caressing your face,
kissing your forehead,
tracing the shape of your lips with my thumb,
looking into your eyes
where i can almost touch your soul,
savoring the warmth of your breath on my ear
when i embrace you...
maybe it's all i need,
to be next to you
to make all these words real...
so i don't have to think...
JUST FEEL...
Tags:

Apr. 21st, 2009

falling...

your feeling, it's like fluid i cannot fully grasp,
perhaps i cannot ever know
because you seem so careful
and overly cautious at everything that calls for your heart..
you have this wall that seems so unbreakable
and i hate it when i'm clueless
because i get even more restless...
with the things i cannot hold,
with the questions i'm too afraid to ask,
with the unknown that lies ahead...
you're swamping my head more and more each day...
i don't know why,
i don't know how,
i don't know when...
it just happened
and it pains me to only yearn for you from afar..
your scent,
your touch,
your warmth,
your kiss...
i wish i knew how to not look back
when i decided to lose and forget you...



it's frustrating when you can't stop falling for someone
who's not there to catch you...
Tags:

Apr. 19th, 2009

kissing you in the rain

it always felt so surreal
to find you looking like that -
your hair shiny and wet billowing on your shoulders,
as lightning struck in the horizon
and the wind just swirled around your drenched see-through white dress
revealing the marvelous contour of your thighs
as you walk towards me with your fiery teasing stare
so fixated on me i felt like i almost melted right then and there...
oblivious to the gritting cold
with my heartbeat louder than the thunder...
not really feeling the earth at that moment...
just so engrossed and intensely waiting
for the warmth of your skin next to mine
till we're only inches apart
and finally locked lips in the rain
while lightning continued to strike...
Tags:

Apr. 14th, 2009

sim

sim,

it's been a long time... i can't even remember the last time we met but your smile has always been vivid in my mind coz everytime i close my eyes, it's your face i see, your giggle i hear, and the warmth of your loving words i feel inside when i am alone, thinking and just lingering in one place to reminisce fond memories and look back at the things i did and did not... my heart is like a locked safe now... full of emotions i chose to keep inside if only to be okay at least in the eyes of those i care about and love... i threw the key to a far off place when no one can find so that what i keep inside will never be opened. i try to be as happy as i can be... i do things that keep me from wallowing with the things i cannot take back anymore. it's a happy mae every day, yes always smiling, laughing, joking, having fun at what i do best when i'm with my true friends --- clowning around just like the clown i was with you... crazy, quirky, unpredictable...

i go to gym to release stress from work and some... i always find time to do morning jogging with jill in the park before i go to work to sweat off my nightmares... we walk a few kilometers after, heading home...talking... just about anything.. life, work, plans...people.. events... almost everything that comes to mind when we're all soaked up in sweat sipping coconut juice... laughing a lot... i guess jill has been used to my being crazy... always coming up with weird ideas and out-of-this world punchlines ahaha... it's good though. the best therapy to heal... exercise. it releases endorphins and endorphins make people happy...

i have so many wishes at night when i stare at the sky and all i see is a starry starry horizon...just wishing among my wishes to see a falling star so i can wish.... it makes me wonder sometimes what you do at the same time i was staring at the stars... sometimes i have crazy thoughts... that maybe just maybe you are staring at the sky too and in strange coincidences also staring at the same star i see, that which has the brightest glow near the moon... i guess it's not a star coz it doesn't twinkle like any other stars... maybe it's a planet...Venus... the goddess of love... oh well... a penny for my crazy thoughts ahahahaha... and then when i go inside and tuck myself in to bed, i still think of the same things again and again... my wishes, my hopes, my not so high dreams... and my dreams that i guess will always remain as dreams... my what ifs and buts... it keeps me awake at night tossing and turning... and then when i'm all set for a deep slumber, you cross my mind and all i have at the tip of my tongue is that lovely song "bubbly"...(i hope you still remember that song...) it keeps playing in my mind over and over again...and then before i realized it, i was singing my favorite line... "i've been awake for a while now, you got me feeling like a child now...coz everytime i see your bubbly face i get the tingles in a silly place..." it's my best lullaby 2nd to my baby powder i sprinkle my entire body...

 jill and i we bond together a lot these days in all the things we do together we always find joy and fun... as we always say, let's get spontaneous this time... no plans at all just trudging places, making detours, and another just wherever we find our feet leading us.. i know it's crazy but it's fun...it makes me forget worries even just for a while i get to stop thinking...

connie and i are always the same sticking together at work... she wore sexy skirt yesterday as we met at the DFA's office where i applied for passport .she brought her car so we drove along... much traffic...sometimes arguing about which streets to take ahahaha well she's the driver and the old one LOL so i don't get the last say... i teased her a lot about her skirt she laughed and poked me with the grocery bag as we walked through the mall... we bought supplies for our little business in the office, which fortunately is quite doing well... "you look hot today... like a hot mama!!!" I EXCLAIMED and she just burst into laughters hahahaha well i always know how to break her poise... LOL...she's a very happy woman... i always feel safe and happy when we're together... she accompanies me in the gym when  she doesnt have yoga class... hmmm doing all the tereadmill and stuffs i wonder where she gets all her strength... must be the skirt must be the super skirt aahahahaha.. it was her birthday on March 28th  so we ate out somewhere... she was asking me which place to go, which took us quite a bit of time thinking...only to end up her picking the place coz i was so fickle minded she swore not to ask me again about restaurants ahahaha... sometimes we talk about you... wondering how have you been lately... she misses you too... as i always tell her... i kinda get used to talk to you before lunch that sometimes i find myself unsconsciously still waiting... i guess i'll always be waiting... and never will get tired of it...

i wish you well in everything sim honestly and sincerely all i ever want is for you to be happy in whatever it is that will find you peace and content... i will always love you... a love that doesn't have a label... not platonic, not romatic... just love sim... it's better not to define it... in whatever endeavors i take and whatever pursuits i am in, i will always be thinking of you...

you are the nicest and closest i got about true love... keep in touch...

take care always...


hugs and smoochies for my monkey :),

mae

Apr. 1st, 2009

bluemoon

...he almost forgot about going home. This week is getting over but there are still a lot of things that need to be said, to be done and he can't let the week end without telling abbie what he feels...

 

he didn't go out with his friends when nightfall came. instead, he braved himself going to the rest house despite the possibility of facing Toni again. He saw her standing beside the swimming pool with a stick of cigarette between her fingers; contemplating perhaps.  She saw him approaching and smiled at him as if they never had a confrontation this afternoon. He coyly smiled back.

 

"hey, are you here to see me...or Abbie?"

"Look Toni, i'm sorry. i didn't really mean to sound rude this afternoon. I ---"

"No, it's okay." Toni interrupted. "You were honest. i appreciate that."

 

Paul nodded and smiled in relief.

 

Toni noticed paul gazing inside the house and everywhere as though searching for something...or someone, and Toni very well knew who.

 

"Abbie is not here." She explained. "She's probably outside. i don't know. i haven't seen her since i got back here."

 

Paul nodded and turned to leave when she blurted, "Are you really in love with my sister?"

 

He felt a lump in his throat and gulped at the sudden thrust of question.

 

"You shouldn't be." She continued and headed inside.

 

He was confused with what she said but didn't put much thought about it. He went looking for Abbie outside. He found her sitting alone on a huge rock facing the sea. Her hair swayed like with the breeze and he could smell the scent of it as he came closer behind her.

 

"Hi!" He greeted trying to be calm and cheerful despite all the butterflies in his stomach. "Can I...uh..join you there if you don't mind?" He smiled with dreamy eyes staring at Abbie who smiled as she wiggled aside to for him to sit.

 

"It's full moon huh..." He exclaimed sitting beside her.

 

"Blue moon actually," Abbie retorted, " beautiful, isin't it?" She muttered gazing in the horizon.

 

"Yes you are..." He replied turning his gaze on her. Abbie gave him a coy smile and gazed at the moon again.

 

"Abbie, i'm going home tomorrow. I just want to say thank you. I'm really glad and happy that we met."

 

"Same here." she smiled staring back at him as his heart throbbed faster. There were a lot of things he wanted to say yet he couldn't utter anything. He was completely lost for words looking into her eyes. He felt  he needed to kiss her. he wanted to kiss her but abbie sensed it and leaned back. "I'm sorry." He exclaimed, "It's just that... even before i met yoour sister, even before our eyes met...you've already captured my attention when i saw you for the first time along the shore..and now that i've spent time with you, known you... i'm never the same again beacue for the first time i am not in control of things more so of my feelings...and i know i will never have a peace of mind if i go back to manila tomorrow without telling you how you how much important you are to me... how much i love you abbie."

 

Abbie looked away, surprised, didn't really know what to say. His words struck her inside, not because she reciprocated the feelings...She just felt sorry for all the right words  he said to the wrong girl... to the wrong her.

 

"Don't say you love me...you barely know me...no... you don't know me at all." She said.

 

"Then let me.."

 

"I am not what you think i am...what you think i can be to you."

 

"I'm with someone. I'm with Alex."

 

"But you said you didn't have a boyfriend."

 

"I didn't...never had... I'm gay." She finally confessed.

 

He looked at her in astonishment and disbelief. At one word, all hopes shattered right before his very eyes. He looked down hiding the tears  forming in the corners of his eyes. He couldn't bear to look at her anymore if only to see true love vanishing like his teardrops on the sand...

 

He walked away trudging along the shore with tears on his face...wishing for the rain to pour on him...Her words still echoed in his thoughts. Things took place abruptly. A lot have happened in 1 month..the longest month of his life. He fell. He failed. He cried. Everything turned upside down down all beacuse of true love he found and lost along the shore...under a full bluemoon...how ironic.

 

 


your presence

it's bizaare...

this feeling, in the midst of everything,

always has me swept in a different time far from the sunshine of this day...

your presence, its too perplexing for me to comprehend

like ink blots and scribbles in a white sheet...

so many images, so many forms

but nothing makes sense...

it's still empty

as hollow as the answer to the poking question in my mind...

why..

just why you hover around me in strange ways

i feel like i'm in a completely different world...

or maybe a different lifetime...

so annoyingly nostalgic of memory i cannot recall...

 

your presence, it's a link to my long forgotten past...

your eyes, a reflection of feelings i want to own again...


Tags:

Mar. 31st, 2009

stranger

Right between the numbness and blur in my life
you came...subtle almost invisible
but your smile in strange ways
brought me back to the times
when i didn't know how it felt to be bruised,
wounded and thrown in the pit of twisted feelings and biting reality...
for the first time in a long time
i felt like a child again,
naive, dreamy and lost in the confines of your ascending presence
now overwhelming me with the enchantment of your soothing words...
i just stood there doing nothing
not even a single step...
perhaps afraid to trip and fall
when i couldn't even tell if you'd take that leap to catch me...
i was clueless...i was torn...
coz amidst all the numbness and blur i bore inside,
i never thought that in mind-boggling ways,
a stranger  could make me feel this way...
Tags:

Mar. 21st, 2009

something more than everything

Everyday, there is not a second or two that you don't cross my thoughts. The memory of your presence, the feel of your face on my palm, the lather of your hair through my fingers, the glow in your eyes when you see me, that beautiful smile that is always subtly there between silent intervals of our conversations, that soothing voice that always seems to tickle my heart when you mention my name again and again with your loving stare...you are everything that i ever need. i make sense when i think about you, you complement my words; you color my horizon with every stroke of your being etched in me everytime you leave and rekindled even twice when you come back...you make me smile, you make me laugh...and above all you make me happy...

 

you are something i will never trade for everything...

where art thou?

it's cold out there,
the wiff of wind enveloping me
seems to hinder my desire
to raise my arms higher
to tell you just how much
i want to reach out to you...
in the stars
when the twinkles muster in my face,
i feel your butterfly kisses,
i feel your caresses in the billowing strands of my hair dancing on my shoulders,
brushing on my face...
i smell you when i breathe in...
i hear your distant calls at the back of my mind...
baby i know you're here with me
even though to far away place 
you've long been gone home...

you always find me

I don't know why, I don't know how,
but my mind has been swamped lately
with thoughts about you hovering
like bees in my head buzzing and buzzing
even in complex tangles of the day's topsy turvy hours...
you always find me
just as i always find you
halfway through the road i traverse
when i'm weary and lost,
you are there standing
like a vision in the fog
walking towards me
as i freeze my racing thoughts for a  while 
if only to stop wondering
why and how amidst all the chaos and blur in my world,
you always find me...
crying and in pain,
you always take me to a place
where i feel only the safest and home - -- in your arms...

 


silk sheets

sober from a night's wild bliss,
i found myself in sunken silk sheets
warm with cold toes,
swirls of morning breeze
sliding on my navel...
thoughts of you came rushing
as i stared blankly on the translucent ceiling of this 10th floor flat..
like the reflection i see above,
everything's blurry and bleak...
but your face still so flawless in my mind
...sigh it's a different scent i smell, still lovely but not as enchanting...
a different slide in my fingertips...still as smooth but not a blaze on my spine...
it's a typical summer morning of march,
but sunken in silk sheets with her warmth on my chest,
i have never been colder...to have her listening to my heartbeat
that only longs and belongs to you...

Mar. 18th, 2009

freefall


shutdown and torn, you walked out on me without a word...
i knew why but i just ignore the thought more so the feeling inside...
that tingle and squeeze when you do just the reverse of what you desire
only because you protect yourself from falling loose and flat...
because the moment you take that freefall, you know there is no turning back...

you are my sweetest temptation...
you stir my mind with your wits...
you tickle my heart with your tease...
and you overwhelm my soul when you take me to the threshold of your real you...
in a nutshell i just knew...you have been hiding that best part of you

something i don't understand...or maybe something i just wont understand...
either way, you make me afraid to take that freefall with you...

 

Mar. 17th, 2009

hmmm


sober from a night's wild bliss,
i found myself in sunken silk sheets
warm with cold toes,
swirls of morning breeze
sliding on my navel...
thoughts of you came rushing
as i stared blankly on the translucent ceiling of this 10th floor flat..
like the reflection i see above,
everything's blurry and bleak...
but your face still so flawless in my mind
...sigh it's a different scent i smell, still lovely but not as enchanting...
a different slide in my fingertips...still as smooth but not a blaze on my spine...
it's a typical summer morning of march,
but sunken in silk sheets with her warmth on my chest,
i have never been colder...to have her listening to my heartbeat
that only longs for you...

 

Jan. 31st, 2009

Yearning

 yearning... 
 
a life lived so troubled 
it makes you wish you cease breathing 
for a time 
if only to see 
that which you cannot hold 
in the arms of someone else,
 
mellow,cozy, happy, content...
 
ti's not in thine desire,
ti's not in thine agony,
ti's not in thine eyes,
 
that reality strikes like a fist of a victor...
 
For even long before you glanced at one scene,
the greatest ballad
long untold
hath already been woven 
in vivid mimicry
of two souls waltzing
in the beat of one heart...

Jan. 25th, 2009

Just Love...

Surfing the internet today had me entangle with a lot of things that not only did i find delight, but marvel as well. Yes, i marveled at the articles i read, the blogs i discovered etc. and there was this feminist blog persuading bloggers to write a piece in the context of "love" and its disparities and intricacies that swamp the world with issues and controversies...

It took me quite some time to finally get back to my track again as i found myself wondering or maybe wandering at such 4-letter word; how its complexities leave dent in our lives, and how rife the society is with notions and opinions about it .

Ah, Love! Could there be any mind-boggling and heart-stomping than that?

A lot of times have i tried to fathom its depth and every time, i just end up losing ropes of it, not knowing anything when i thought i had gone through quite some to truly know it. Why, i almost lost grip of myself fighting for my futile pursuit of it. Why, i had concealed my true self for the respect for it; thus, for the longest time, i had not truly lived; but then i realized the entirety of love is infinite, beyond anyone's grasp... unfathomable... unquestionable. It doesn't adhere to anything more so to the norms of the world...

To the straight, rigtheous ones, it's no big deal at all, just a wonderful part of life's journey... but to those who are queer, twisted and sometimes disoriented, it is a sickness we cannot hide from, a dilemma we inevitably carry within ourselves...

Love complements life and vise versa. we grow old with it. we anchor ourselves with it. However we deny it, ignore it, turn our back on it, love will always be there in more ways than one to bombard us till we succumb to it. It's the current that circulates our bloodstreams... a mistletoe in the threshold to our soul...

It's not love until we stop holding back and start letting go, and it's never true love until we stop wondering, analyzing, asking... We don't have to do anything actually, JUST LOVE...

Love according to Yang Hui-Ching

Love is the broadest,
deepest,
most abstract,
intangible
and complex creation
that has ever penetrated the human heart,
probably because it is also the force
that fuels us to live and not just exist.

The stages of love develop thru time,
may it be platonic or romantic
especially the latter,
it being mostly mistaken from infatuation,
fondness that grows for a time only,
ephemeral as some put it.

Can we love two persons simultaneously?

The depth of feeling cannot be grasped
nor fathomed by any words
even the best writer or poet can ever weave.
Of course we can love many persons at the same time.
It’s in the level of the same
that things vary...

Discern things. 
We can  mistake love from infatuation
or vice versa.
Infatuation comes only
like a ray of light in the morning,
but love remains
even when the sun starts to set
and stars fail to twinkle.

Love sees thru forms
and thrives best in substance.

Nov. 16th, 2008

(no subject)

Getting through the burgeoning crowd in the subway,
i felt the scorching heat with every friction of skin
tossing me side to side
forward and backward

getting through, getting through...

it's like kayaking in the Colorado rivers in midday
my vision blurred, doubled as i gulped
with my cracked lips
ignoring a one-hour urge
for one perhaps two
big glasses of cold lime water.

station seven was full
i got to be there by 2 p.m.
or ...

tilting my head, i couldn't see a space,
but hundreds of heads that seemed like
a watermelon in harvest season.

station six.

i reached for my phone
it's battery empty as usual...
i could feel the lather of
sweat on my forehead, on my my nose

getting through, getting through

i gulped again, station seven, finally.

"where are you?" i sighed standing in one corner.

1:45 p.m.

Lucknow train will leave at 2 p.m.
"where are you?"
i roamed around the station
but there was no you.

i heard the siren again for the last time
Lucknow train will leave at 2 p.m.
it's 5 minutes to 2 p.m.
but still there was no vision of you.

the station area suddenly emptied
i sat on the yellow seat at the end
holding on to my backpack
as i saw the door closed and the train
slowly headed off...

For the first time since we met...
I felt scared...

I missed the train..

i still sat there...waited.

past 2

past 3

past 4

past 5

A guard went to me...
"Ma'am, excuse me are you Mae?"

I felt relieved, a sense of hope...
"yeah" i nodded smiling to the guard in uniform.

He smiled back, "Someone gave this to my colleague earlier."

A white short envelope with my name written in blue marker.

"Dear Mae,

i'm sorry.

S."

I got it, i had no home in Lucknow...

Aug. 28th, 2008

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Jun. 4th, 2008

PHAT

Mature kind of childish,
smart with a dose of naivete,
sophisticated quite home buddy,
witty with sprinkles of shyness,
composed but spontaneous.

attempt to paint happiness in words...

Everything else in my mind
 is in blur right now,
because you are the clearest vision
that swamps me with happy thoughts.

Jun. 2nd, 2008

SAILING

my heart is sailing through
 an ocean of emotions;
sometimes it's drenched
with unfathomable waves,
drowning me in infinite gasps.

Sometimes it's thirsting
even just for one raindrop
to keep me flowing,

sometimes it's just floating
in an unknown depth,
with a topsy turvy compass
in an empty horizon;

But when everything ebbs,
when it reaches a shore,
when my mind freezes,
when my heart takes over,

the only way my footprints trail,

is my way home with you.

May. 27th, 2008

...

Everytime i think about you,
about us,
my heart becomes restless
riding in rollercoaster motions
with the feelings, the turmoils...

i'm so afraid yet i don't want to run away,
i'm so lost, yet i'm so home,
i'm blinded but my acuity remains untainted...
 
that however high the waves i have to surmount,
however deep the unknown i have to fathom

and that however i am in whatever ways,

the only clarity in all this maze

is  that

 i don't want to let you go.

Mar. 12th, 2008

to my teacher

life might be queer sometimes, 
but i am grateful 
that the queerness of the same
has made me realize
that in follies,
you can sometimes
find your true self.

Jan. 8th, 2008

fragments of thought

you gave me a look that left a huge ripple in my heart...

Jan. 5th, 2008

wish

wide awake, i lay on the 
furry grasses of summer,
thinking with the stars,
waiting for one to fall
so i could wish that perhaps
i'd see you like a vision
in the fog, 
when i would not have to stop
nor think 
but succumb to my 
unadulterated instinct

Jan. 4th, 2008

random thought

words are tendrils on which emotions crawl

random thought

i want to dip in the mud so bad, 
but i am so afraid to get dirty...

Dec. 12th, 2007

(no subject)

for a time, i  thought i could just 
get through all this.
I have tried to put up a strong facade
i have changed my mindset,
i have stopped thinking;
but every day seems like a battle
i have got to fight
that the longer it gets
the weaker i seem to become
and now i feel like i am headed 
somewhere i exactly never wanted to be in AGAIN.

it is like coursing through a track
that does not have a way out.

i simply can hardly move on.

perhaps because i am still waitng 
for us to be thrust in a moment 
when talking is inevtitable...

fragments of thought

sometimes i don't know if i am still in my baseline 
because every time i come across with you
i feel like something in me leaps off
and suddenly i am different,

i can't say better,
i can't say worse,
but i know i have never felt this good.

Sep. 29th, 2007

I, on a tame morn bliss

 It's like a stereotypical daybreak, when the dew starts to evaporate from blooming roses, the sun forms golden lining  around the clouds... and the warm wind of summer caresses through my skin.  Another morning has come and I'm so damn eager to embrace the same with the hope of seeing you again, of hearing your voice, of cracking another wacky jokes, of savoring laughters with you, of smelling the fresh air blending with your enchanting scent.  I delight the coziness next to you like the cushion I seem to endlessly grip with my arms, the warmth against my chest, neath my chin while chilling with some island music while staring into the depths of your eyes...

Wow! Music doesn't always need to have the perfect rhythm nor the rhyming words, because with you, on a tame morn bliss, even silence becomes a melody I wouldn't trade for any mp3.

a gem

You are like your name, the luster, the milky glitters glowing from within;

you blend with the grains of white sand. You glitter with the touch of morning sunray.

You are like youR name, so precious, so vivid.

Only the mighty can dare pursue you, but only the patient can fathom the depths of your stance.

Only the strong can crack the thick lining of where you lurk, but only the gentlest can hold you unscratched.

Only the silver-spoon can own you, but only to the skin-deep beauty, your real brilliance unfolds.

You are so exactly like your name: ____________.

on the sand

 

It is nearing sunset, 
and here I go again-
wallowing on things 
while scribbling 
your name on the sand.  
You know I hate this, 
the stillness around, 
the sentiments within, 
it only gets me to realize 
how impossible things are. 
I love you so much.  
You are the reason 
I wait each day with so much hope,
 hope that one of such days 
might be spending moment with you.  
How wonderful it is to hope, 
but I know that, 
like the waves brushing off 
your name on the sand, 
I have already lost you 
long before I could ever have you.

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